I am drenched in stress: school, social life, my relationship... just life in general.
Oh my gosh! I haven't written a post in so long, I forgot how to greet you all. My apologies.
Hello, lovelies! It's been awhile. I'm the worst, but as I was saying, I am drenched in stress. I feel as if I have been immersed into a bucket of mental torture. Homework and tests are getting the best of me this first semester of my second year of college. As a journalism major, I should not be expected to do comprehensive tests, I should be expected to research, interview, and write like my little, weary soul depends on it.
But no.
I have had some pretty terrible nights where I just seclude myself from my friends to study for an unhealthy amount of hours because the anticipation of failing an exam overrides my brain. Who gets Bs on exams when you can surround yourself with bright lights, an uncomfortable desk chair, and study guides as far as the eye can see? I am suffering from nerd-aholism due to the fact that my brain literally seeks perfection, and if not, I am doomed for all eternity.
For those who are illiterate in all things regarding anxiety: perfection [per-fek-shun n.] is an unimaginable or illogical concept that I (and others with anxiety) think is possible to achieve with just a lot of extra blood, sweat, and tears... but mostly tears.
I don't just experience this feeling of damage and deficiency when it comes to my education, it occurs in my social life, too. This sucks because college is supposed to be the place where you make loads of friends and make unbreakable connections and unforgettable memories with these people who you cherish for the rest of your life... right? Or is that just what we see in movies? I think so, and clearly, directors of these movies did not go to college because that is an ignorant load of crap. If you want to be successful in college, you have to do some work.
My social life basically ended when it started. My friends may think I am spending plenty of time with them, and I have recently become more social than my old shy and crimson-faced side. However, now I feel as if I said hello to them on the first day of school and just say a few words to them when they pass by. I do (admittedly) go to others' rooms or hang out off campus, but I'm a little out of it because I'm thinking about four million other things that are happening in my life.
I have to say that I am extremely thankful for the fact that my friends do not go out partying or attend social events constantly, for the sake of my brain and heart exploding all at once. I cannot handle crowded rooms and loud noises: my brain will cease all functioning capabilities.
Please, please, please: if you bring someone with anxiety into a crowded or confined space, be prepared to quickly escort them out. Do not force them into situations they do not want to be in or cannot handle. It's just not fair to anyone.
My anxiety truly hurts me when it interferes with my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been through a hell of a ride since last year, but a significant amount of this rollercoaster has just been since June (so, the last 5 months). I always think it is quite an ironic situation I have because in high school, where we met, his friends always said that he was "out of my league." You gotta love the cliques in good old drama-mama high school. I never listened to any of that because I liked him and he liked me and that was the bottom line.
The thing is, now (almost 2 1/2 years later), I am the one that feels out of his league. I don't feel adequate enough for him sometimes... and he knows.
***Keep in mind the definition of perfection right now.
I feel as if I am not what he wants in a partner. I feel unintelligent, ugly, and flat-out worthless. It is nothing he does, it is just how my brain works. It has nothing to do with anything he says or the way he treats me. He is the most loving and understanding man I know, and he has been my rock in my journey through this whole thing.
Let me try to explain this in a way you might be able to understand:
My brain uploads photos and information about myself and is saved on the desktop. When my brain is exposed to society, it screenshots photos of what I see and information about those experiences is typed into a Word document in MLA format (college is the only place you'll use that god-forsaken format). Then a virus appears in my brain and all of the information goes crazy. Files open and get jumbled around in my head. I see myself as one thing, and society does not accept the information processed, so the brain starts malfunctioning.
Did that make sense? FYI: I'm not a computer wiz, so if you are good with computers and my comparisons literally make no sense, I'm sorry. Anxiety, and other mental disorders in general, are very difficult concepts to explain, but I want it to be a little comparable so you understand the challenges individuals have to face on a daily basis. It's a struggle.
I realize this turned into a really freaking long post, but I just have one final thing to say:
If you know someone who has anxiety, depression, or any other mental disorder, love and support them. Help them, don't hurt them. They (we) are a fragile type of being, and I cannot speak for everyone, but I, personally, don't take things lightly.
People have told me to talk to my physician or a therapist about my "condition" (because people act like it's a phase or a fatal disease), but that's not the type of person I am. I am a suppressor: why cry about unnecessary thoughts and feelings when you can just bottle it up and do your best not to think about it? It's a great exercise, really. I know you all are like, "What the absolute heck is wrong with you? Talk to a therapist and get your stuff together." Well, it really isn't that easy. I've always been shy, and quite frankly, I'm scared that talking about it will lead to something a lot worse (which it has), which makes me feel it is best to leave the subject alone.
Here is my advice to you: be kind, whether or not you know someone with mental disorders. You never know what others are dealing with in life.
Thank you to those who have supported me.
Keep doing what you're doing, for me and for others.
Hug an anxious person.
Give a stranger a high-five.
Kiss the love of your life.
Show someone an ounce of hope.
Show them that there is a point in living.
You'll make their day!
I promise.
xx Amanda
Twitter & Instagram: @amanda_wymore
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